No: 28 | Season: 3 Episode: 6 | Air Date: 19-Apr-23 | Runtime: 63 mins

Summary

A friendly match takes the team to Amsterdam, where one night out unlocks truths for many.

Director and Writers

Director: Matt Lipsey Writers: Jason Sudeikis, Bill Lawrence, Brendan Hunt, Sasha Garron, Keeley Hazell, and Dylan Marron.

Quotes

Ted: Man, we can’t even get a goal for an exhibition match. Roy: Friendly. Ted: Ain’t nothing friendly about what happened out here. Coach Beard: They call exhibition matches friendlies. Ted: Man, this sport drives me nuts.

Reporter: Roy Kent, don’t you think Richmond’s objectively poor performance is, uh, due to the fact that you’re nothing without Zava? Roy: Who cares? It’s a f?ck?ng friendly. A friendly is a pretend match. This is a pretend conversation. You’re a pretend person with a pretend job. And I’m having a really hard time pretending to give a shit.

Keeley: Tonight is the best aurora borealis ever. Like, it’s the aurora “boreal-iest.” In Norway. And Jack and her plane are waiting for me at the airport right now.

Roy: (referring to Keeley) Where’s she going? Rebecca: Somewhere that believes they deserve her.

Coach Beard: Think only you can get these guys out of their pineapple percussions. Ted: Doldrums. Nice.

Ted: All right, let’s be careful out there. Hill Street Blues.

Rebecca: What is it that you wanted to tell me? Boat Owner: You’re walking on the bike lane.

Coach Beard: Remember when Jordan wouldn’t wear Reebok in the ’92 Olympics? Ted: Of course. Coach Beard: ’74 World Cup, Cruyff refuses to wear Adidas, they gotta make him a special two-striped shirt. He was a badass. Ted: Hmm. Coach Beard: But he was also a paragon of the ’60s, so he was bigger than Jordan, really. He was like Jordan and John Lennon combined.

Ted: I don’t know what’s going on with me, Coach. It’s like I’m feeling stuck or something, you know? I-I need to do something to help me get me out of my head. Like get punched in the face or, uh, drink a couple of bottles of red wine and yell at my mom. You know, just… I wanna try something new. Help me get inspired. Coach Beard: I’ve been waiting for you to say those words for a very long time.

Dani: I really want the tulip experience that everyone talks about.

Higgins: Here we are. (sighs) His name was Chet Baker. American, gifted trumpeter, unique singer and a h?r?in addict. He was tortured by demons, but they didn’t stop him from making beautiful music. He’s what got me into jazz in the first place, you know. Will: Oh. Higgins: You hear his story and you think, “There’s nothing more punk rock than that.” (inhales deeply) Then, on the 13th of May, 1988, he passed away on this very spot. Will: Oh, wow. H-How was it he died? Higgins: Uh, he fell from, uh, that window up there. But was it an accident? Did he jump, or was he pushed? Will: And we’re gonna solve that mystery tonight?Higgins: No, no. We’re just here to pay our respects to a legend. What led to his death? We don’t know, Will. Mmm. We only know this… dr?g are bad. Will: Yes. No, they are.

Coach Beard: My man, Kenneth the bus driver, hooked me up a couple of weeks ago. Ted: Wait, so you travel with it? I thought they had plenty of that stuff here. Coach Beard: Well, I just don’t like my medicine to be taxed.

Ted: You know, I’ve always been more of a beer man or, uh, Sour Patch Kids. Coach Beard: Sour Patch Kids don’t form literal new pathways in your brain. Picture a sheet of fresh, white snow covering all the footsteps of all the paths that you’ve trod before, forcing you… Nay, encouraging you… to begin anew.

Coach Beard: Most people put it in peanut butter and jelly or yogurt. Ted: Uh-huh. And which one we doing? Coach Beard: Neither. We’re doing tea. Ted: Oh, come on, man. Are you kidding me? That’s like hiding poop inside a smoothie of barf.

Isaac: Where we at? We have nine votes for s?x show. Nine votes for private party. And one vote for tulip. That leaves us with two. S?x show versus private party. Dani: And I think someone picked tulip, yes? But who? Isaac: Dani, you wrote it in Spanish. Dani: Someone wrote it in Spanish, yes.

Jan Maas: (In Dutch) Can you please tell my friend that he is being a boring tourist?Saskia: What is your name? Zoreaux: Everybody calls me Van Damme.Saskia: Okay, Van Damme, would you prefer to pay to watch two tired people have s?x or rather go to a party where perhaps you could get some yourself? Zoreaux: They’re… They’re tired? Saskia: Exhausted. Zoreaux: (sighs)

Rebecca: Should I be concerned that you’ve got a giant Tupperware box of women’s clothing in your floating house? These aren’t trophies, are they?

Jamie: They put a dam on the river Amstel. “Amsteldam.” Amsterdam.It’s good, innit? Roy: Come on. f?cking stop for a f?cking second! Please. God. How do you know so much about here?

Colin: Have you got vanilla vodka? Bartender: Dear God, no.Colin: A beer, please. Thank you. Bartender: There you go, sweetie.Colin: Oh, thanks. (stammers) Hey, can I ask, do you know who I am? Bartender: Can I tell you a secret? Tonight, you’re whoever you want to be. Colin: Hmm? Yeah. Bartender: You should stick around for the party later on. Thunderdong. Good vibes, good place to make friends.

Rebecca: So, uh, should I be worried about some giant Dutch woman wandering on here and strangling me for wearing her clothes?

Rebecca: Wait, is this some Dutch bloke singing “She Believes in Me” by Kenny Rogers? Boat Owner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This Dutch bloke is the great Andre Hazes, and he’s singing “Zij Gelooft in Mij,” all right?

Roy: When I went to Sunderland, my granddad told me he’d teach me how to ride when I came back for Christmas, and then he f?cking died, and I haven’t been on a bike since. And now I’m saying that out loud, I realize that never learning was actually a great disrespect to his memory and now I feel ashamed. So can we stop talking about it and go back to me just taking out my negative emotions on you, even if you deserve it or not? Jamie: Go on, Roy. For Granddad.

Higgins: We’re sitting here? Will: Well, yeah. You know, you said pick good seats, so… Higgins: Yeah, but these are so… (sighs) …exposed.Will: Oh, no. It’s like the time I was front and center at an improv comedy show. Are they gonna make a song about how I look like an altar boy?

Colin: Well… (breathes deeply) my whole life is two lives really. You got my work life. Like, no one at the club knows. I’d… I’d like to think they wouldn’t care, but… it’s just easier that way. Then you got my dating life. Some guys think it’s hot. Others say they don’t care, but eventually they get tired and they move on. Then the club brought in Dr. Sharon… and she helped me realize that I have… an ache. An ache for both my lives to be my only life. I don’t want to be a spokesperson. I don’t want a bunch of apologies. All I want is for when we win a match, to be able to kiss my fella the same way the guys get to kiss their girls. And I know we can’t fix every ache inside of us. But I shouldn’t have to pretend it’s not there either.

Museum Docent: (While Ted is staring at the Van Gogh painting “Sunflowers”) “One doesn’t expect to get from life what one has already learned it cannot give, rather, one begins to see that life is a kind of sowing time… and the harvest is not yet here.” He was just a humble preacher’s son. And yes, he had his demons, but they never stopped him from searching for beauty. Because when you find beauty, you find inspiration. If, that is, you stay as determined as Vincent. Never stop, no matter how many failures. When you know you’re doing what you’re meant to do, you have to try. Ted: Where I’m from… Kansas, my home… This here, this is our state flower. Museum Docent: (Hands Ted a notebook) I want you to have this. Uh, we close in three minutes. Ted: Mercy buckets. Museum Docent: Yep.

Isaac: Enough! We are riven by this crossroads! Is this it? (breathing shakily) Should we huddle around the laptop for a movie night? How else d-do we proceed? How doth we channel this lack of compromise? This dissension? This rage?

Jamie: I’ve been to Amsterdam twice. When I was 14, me dad was trying to get back with me mum, and he was acting like some kind of f?ck?ng super dad or some sh?t, and he brought me out here for some father-son bonding time. Anyway, he said it was to watch a football match. After the game, he took me to the red-light district for my real present. He, uh… He took me to lose my virginity to those ladies behind the windows. Roy: Jesus. Must have been traumatizing. Jamie: No. She loved it.

Roy: I was a d?ck today too. I’m sorry. I think Keeley’s got a girlfriend. Jamie: Hmm. Let’s go find us some windmills, eh?

Aiden: Welcome to Yankee Doodle Burger Barn. Table for one? Ted: Yes, please. Yeah. Hey, where in the States you from? Aiden: Melbourne. Plenty of room tonight, where would you like to sit? Windy City, Big Apple or Hollywood? Ted: Oh, well. Tell Mama that Roxie Hart is coming home. Lipschitz. Aiden: (looks confused)Ted: Chicago. Aiden: (looks confused)Ted: Windy City. Aiden: Great, mate. Giddyap.

Gen: Here’s your onion ring pyramid and your freedom fries. Ted: Thank you. Gen: You enjoying the game? Ted: Oh, yeah. Hey, you know what? I bet you a thousand bucks the Bulls will win 107 to 86. I’m just kidding. I remember watching this game as a kid with my dad. Yeah. I used to love watching basketball with him. Gen: Thank you for sharing. And please feel free to choose from our menu of 50 Nifty United Sauces. And there’s a lovely queso from Puerto Rico. Ted: You know what? Um, how about you just surprise me?

Marv Albert: And the Bulls drop into their triangle offense, creating constant movement between the players. It’s been the key to their success this season. It opens up for Jordan. He shoots. Yes! Ted: Pyramid ain’t nothing but a triangle. Actually, three triangles all leaning on each other.

Voice: Hello, Ted. Ted: Hey, that’s me. Who are you? Voice: I am the True Spirit of Adventure. Ted: Ooh, I like that. Well, what’s shaking, TSA? Voice: Do you know where triangles come from, Ted? Ted: I don’t know. God dropped a square on the floor and it broke in half long-ways or something? Voice: No, Ted. It’s debated that the triangle was first defined by Pythagoras as any shape with three sides and three corners. Ted: That’s a good theorem. Voice: But throughout history, many believe that triangles have held special powers. Oh, yeah. From the Holy Trinity of Christianity to the trikaya of Buddhism. There’s also that spooky eye thing on the back of the one-dollar bill. In some Native American cultures, the triangle symbolizes home. Ted: I’m sorry Europeans kicked all them folks out of their triangle. Voice: But the concept of the triangle reached its zenith in 1989 when a man called Tex Winter, an assistant coach for your Chicago Bulls introduced his triangle offense. The central component of which was for a player to always have two available teammates to whom he could pass the ball. These three players formed… Ted: A triangle. Voice: Bingo, Ringo. But that was never the only triangle on the court. For when the players moved, they created more and more triangles. Ted: Hey, you’re right. Voice: Actually, Ted, you’re right.

Restaurant Staff: (Singing) Yankee Doodle Burger Barn Happy birthday. Yankee Doodle Burger Barn Happy birthday, Mel. World War II was won by America. But the West was liberated Thanks to Canada. Hey!

Higgins: Let’s get lost now! (starts to play the upright bass)

Will: You speak Dutch? Coach Beard: Don’t tell Jan.

Ted: Wait, let me guess, Piggy Stardust. Coach Beard: Rashers to rashers, oink to oinky. Ted: I love it. (both imitate explosion)

Ted: Let me ask you a question here. Is this anything? (hands Coach Beard his notebook) The way I see it, we’ve been playing too rigid, you know? Our guys need freedom. Go wherever they wanna go. Follow their guts, their hearts. Uh, as long as they remember to fill in the space that someone left behind. They gotta have one another’s backs, that’s for sure. But, you know, it’s just constant, nonstop motion. Just going from position to position until positions don’t really, um, even exist anymore. It’s fast, fluid, free. With full support. Coach Beard: You come up with this yourself? Ted: Yeah? Coach Beard: Congrats. You should call it Total Football. Ted: Ooh, I like that. Coach Beard: Which was invented right here in Holland in the ’70s. Ted: Oh. Hmm. You think we should try it? Coach Beard: Yes, I do.

Ted: Hey, boss. So, 12 unanswered texts, three un-haha’ed GIFs. We good? Rebecca: Oh, I’m sorry, Ted. My phone is at the bottom of a canal. Ted: Is that Keats? Rebecca: Nope.

Ted: Everything okay, boss? Rebecca: (singing) Don’t worry, about a thing. ‘Cause every little thing’s Gonna be all right.Ted: Well, I appreciate it.Coach Beard: (singing) Singin’, don’t worry, about a thing. ‘Cause every little thing Gonna be all right.Rebecca: Whoo! Coach Beard: Everybody!

Music

“Het Werd Zomer” by Rob de Nijs (Rebecca comes out of the shower)

“Boy” by Book of Love (When Colin enters the gay club)

“Venus” by Shocking Blue (Plays on the boat when Rebecca is dressed)

“Zij Gelooft In Mij” by Andre Hazes (When they sing on the boat)

“Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head” by B.J. Thomas (Roy learns how to ride a bike)

“Emerald and Stone” by Brian Eno, Jon Hopkins, Leo Abrahams (While Ted is at art museum)

“Waitin’ In School (Remastered)” by Ricky Nelson (At the Yankee Doodle Burger Barn.)

“Du (Version 2010)” by Peter Maffay (During dinner on the boat)

“Let’s Get Lost” by Chet Baker (Pillow fight montage)

“Mag Ik Dansen” by Guus Meeuwis (Playing in van that dropped off Coach Beard)

“Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley & The Wailers (End Credits)

Notes and Trivia

“Waitin’ In School” by Ricky Nelson plays when Ted enters the Yankee Doodle Burger Barn, in a scene reminiscent of the scene in “Pulp Fiction” when they enter “Jack Rabbit Slims” restaurant and the song “Waitin’ In School” is playing.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.

The bridge where Rebecca tumbles into the canal is at the junction of Raamgracht and Groenburgwal in Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

The “Skinny Bridge” where Jamie and Roy pause during their workout is located at Magere Brug in Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

The “Prik” bar that Colin frequents is located at 109 Spuistraat, Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

The spot where Jamie teaches Roy to ride a bike is located at 139 Oude Turfmarkt, Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

The place where Colin and Trent sit and talk was at the “Homomonument” at 198 Keizersgracht in Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

The spot where Higgins shows Will the death place of Chet Baker is located at55 Prins Hendrikkade, Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

The windmill that Roy and Jamie cycle to is located at De Borcht, Amsterdam (Google Street View)

The jazz bar that Higgins and Will go to is Cafe Alto Jazz, 52 Korte Leidsedwarsstraat, Amsterdam. (Google Street View)

Cast

StarringJason SudeikisTed LassoStarringHannah WaddinghamRebecca WeltonStarringJeremy SwiftLeslie HigginsStarringPhil DunsterJamie TarttStarringBrett GoldsteinRoy KentStarringBrendan HuntCoach BeardStarringNick MohammedNathan ShelleyStarringAnthony HeadRupert MannionStarringToheeb JimohSam ObisanyaStarringCristo FernandezDani RojasStarringKola BokinniIsaac McAdooStarringBilly HarrisColin HughesStarringJames LanceTrent CrimmStarring (With)Juno TempleKeeley JonesGuest StarringMatteo van der GrijnGuest StarringEllie TaylorFlo ‘Sassy’ CollinsCo-StarringMoe Jeudy-LamourThierry ZoreauxCo-StarringStephen ManasRichard MontlaurCo-StarringMoe HashimMoe BumbercatchCo-StarringDavid ElsendoornJan MaasCo-StarringCharlie HiscockWill KitmanCo-StarringCarly WijsMarjoleinCo-StarringMike ReusThe Van Gogh DocentCo-StarringKo van den BoschGizmo the Bike JunkieCo-StarringBart HarderBart the BartenderCo-StarringAnwar LachmanAnwar the ReporterCo-StarringCarolina DijkhuizenDante CharlesCo-StarringFleur EastTV HostCo-StarringJack van GelderJack van GelderCo-StarringMarv AlbertMarv Albert (voice)Co-StarringGodHerselfCo-StarringTimothy DennettAidanCo-StarringMary RoubosGenCo-StarringDerek MitchellAllardCo-StarringNoa Nikita BleekerSaskiaCo-StarringCecile SinclairWelmoedCo-StarringCorey BurtonThe True Spirit of Adventure